Cultivating in the Chaos

October 4, 2020 Arielle Antwine

I never thought I’d be here. Unemployed for months on end. Without a Mom. Across the country from most people I know and grew up with. Afraid to travel to see friends & family. And pretty goddamn lonely.

I’ve been finding my way through a mental health minefield with more therapy in the last 3 months than the last 3 years and balancing what I can to keep my sensuality expressive- and not go insane spending most days in my house (thanks, COVID-19). All without the outlet of burlesque to keep my reeling mind busy. I bounce between feeling proud of myself for being somewhat ‘together’ after a trauma-filled first summer in Chicago, while being worried about some sort of further fallout.

One thing I’ve cultivated in the chaos is a new project — my podcast. This began as a project (ahem, excuse) to reach out to people I admire and ask candid questions about their sex life and sexual journeys. Basically, it’s my excuse to be nosey as hell when it comes to sex! I’m endlessly curious about this stuff, so putting these conversations into a new medium (audio) with an outcome (a whole ass podcast!) was both challenging and tangible.

I’m still learning so much. Learning how to be a better interviewer. Learning how to prop people up. Learning how to guide and curate a conversation. And mostly, I’m learning to let go of things in the process. After recordings wrapped in September 2020, I gave up the ghost of learning a new skill (audio editing) and found a wonderful editor to help me, Myrriah. Those who know me would call this very out of character, because I usually take on every bit of a project, then implode without asking for help. I will take this as one of several small wins during this podcasting process.

What my producer/editor and I have been able to create is something very singular; conversations about sex + sensuality, yes— but more so about discovering what pleasure is and can be. The SensuElle Podcast offers Sensual Gems, Sex Education, and enticing interviews with dynamic Women from all walks of life.

This project was incredibly effective at making me double down on my investment as a soon-to-be Sex Coach because it gave me LOTS of research to follow up on (ya girl loves context), and plenty of new knowledge surrounding sexuality + sensual expression.

This project has been a labor of love and a guiding light through some of my darkest days. The guests featured thus far have shared so much with me and I’m delighted to share the finished product with y’all beginning this October!