Common Sex Concerns
Ever wonder if what you’re experiencing sexually is ‘normal’? We’ve all been there— trust me! With the path to sexual liberation and sensual freedom being ever-changing, it helps to have a general vocabulary of terms and to find commonality in what you might be experiencing. To confront a monster you have to speak it’s name, as some say.
Queue the resources!
I was inspired to write this post after reading Sexologist Dr. Patti Britton’s The Art of Sex Coaching: Expanding Your Practice, as a resource for my Sex Coaching Certification. While it’s a wonderful book that any coach in ANY field would benefit from reading, the language is a bit dated (published 2005).
In my opinion, this language doesn’t reflect the dynamism of gender and places some concerns in a ‘box’, so to speak. There is much room for crossover between the binary genders that the book presents (labelling these as “Male Concerns” and “Female Concerns”) and what might affect a person’s sex life beyond the binary of M/F. The fact that some people may have similar concerns, but not identify with one certain gender (or any gender) makes me want to do a small audit.
This is not to say that this information is incorrect or even needs to be updated, but I think some synthesis is in order.
*This information is adapted from the book The Art of Sex Coaching: Expanding Your Practice by Dr. Patti Britton and is in no way meant to diagnose or pathologize. See Chapter 7, “Men: Common Sexual Concerns and Resolutions”, and Chapter 8, “Women: Common Sexual Concerns and Resolutions”. I will sometimes refer to it as The Art of Sex Coaching.
Common Sex Concerns
Sexual Inhibitions (SI) - generally labeled as 'sexual shyness' you may have a fear of sex (sometimes planted by an unsavory experience or traumatic events) usually resulting in trouble orgasming
Body Dysphoria (BD) - obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance; self-conscious to the point of depressed sexual functioning.
As I like to call it, not seeing your body as lovely, whole, desirable, and therefore undeserving of sexual pleasure. "The single greatest block to sexual self-acceptance."- Dr. Patti Britton
Enhanced Pleasure (EP) - when you've mastered orgasm alone or partnered and seek to expand any aspect of your sex life- from masturbation to intercourse
Sexual Trauma (ST) - when a traumatic event or events lead to feeling generally shameful and/or shut down when it comes to sex. Seek professional help from a licensed professional in this case.
Social/Dating Skills Deficit (SDSD) - a lack of social skills begetting a lack of sexual context or dating/ sexual experience
Sexual Concerns for Vulva-owners
“Low Desire is the #1 sexual complaint among women & is gaining prevalence in male statistics.”
Low Desire (LD)- Low or no sexual desire if you haven't experienced low desire in the past and now are, despite the sexual partner, situation, or activity (not to be confused with A-sexuality or ‘Ace’)/
*sometimes referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or HSDD
Causes: Low Desire can be caused by a myriad of things including age, hormone imbalance, relationship conflicts, body image, fatigue & stress, history of abuse, or an unskilled partner... the list goes on & on.
Preorgasmic Primary - cannot reach orgasm at all; whether alone or with a partner
Preorgasmic Secondary - can have an orgasm alone but NOT with a partner
Dyspareunia aka Painful Sex - When you are able to be penetrated but with mild to severe consistent pain. Usually the result of pelvic pain disorder, vulvar pain issues, or extreme vaginal dryness.
Vaginismus - a painful spasmodic contraction of the Vagina, leaving penetration nearly impossible/intolerable
Sexual Concerns for Penis-owners
“[Early Ejaculation] is the most common Sexual Concern among men under 40yrs (30%-70%).”
Early Ejaculation: Formerly known as Premature Ejaculation; ie cumming too early for yourself or your partner
Erectile Dysfunction: being unable to attain or sustain an erection long enough to penetrate an orifice
Delayed Ejaculation: (often but not always) being able feel an orgasm without releasing ejaculate
Body Dysphoria (BD): Misconceptions or distorted view of self, usually concerning penis size, in the case of penis-owners
General Resolutions for Sex Concerns
by Ari Antwine
The Art of Sex Coaching goes into detail about specific resolutions and proven modalities for each concern mentioned above. Here I have general advice gathered from The Art of Sex Coaching and my own Sex Coaching research.
What can you do about any sexual concerns; Male, Female, Non-Binary, or otherwise?
Remember That Good Sex starts in the MIND - Any Sexuality Professional will tell you that the largest sexual organ is the brain. If your head isn’t in the game, so to speak, your body won’t be either. Practice mindfulness during your sex practices with somatic checkins; ask our body how it’s doing; “How does my body feel right now? What do I need from this experience physically? How can I communicate that verbally”?
Rule out any medical/physiological, or psychological concerns/barriers - In short, go to your Doctor. Other variables could be at play affecting your capacity for pleasure or satisfaction during sex.
(Re)Define your orgasm - An orgasm does not qualify as ‘good sex’. Period. I used to uphold orgasm as the goal of each sexual encounter. And let me tell you, this is why most sex in my early twenties was aggressively disappointing. I thought I was broken. Then I did some research and stopped listening to my just as clueless friends. “The Orgasm Gap” coined by Dr. Laurie Mintz is meant to describe the reports of studies stating that the M to F orgasm ratio is at a baffling 95%/65%. Coupled with the statistic that only “slightly more than 18 percent [of heterosexual Women have orgasmed] from intercourse alone” shows us that female orgasm during every encounter is a purported at best and it’s an unattainable sexual standard. Good for you if you’re among that nearly %18 cumming every time! But truly, sex is a journey— NOT a journey with orgasm as the sole destination, but with pleasure pitstops along a winding road. Honestly, I’ve had many wonderful romps in the sack where I didn’t cum, and it was still a great experience. But in order for me to enjoy those experiences fully, I had to take orgasm off the table as my main goal and put sensual exploration + pleasure in it’s place. A good method of measuring your satisfaction post-coitus is to ask yourself, “What did I learn from my body today?”
Reframe what you want in bed, then ASK for it… or give it to yourself - Okay, we all know that you can usually orgasm or pleasure yourself more readily on your own than with someone else. How do we close this gap? For one, don’t treat your partners like mind-readers or expect them to know your desires without explicitly stating them- every time, as our desires change (see #5). Keep in mind that the best conversations about your sex life happen with your clothes ON. Secondly, learn each other’s love languages ie how you communicate your intimacy non-verbally. From there, you and your partner(s) can come up with creative ways to clarify and act on each other’s sexual desires. If you are having trouble with sexual communication, see a Sexuality Professional such as a Sex Coach or Sex Therapist. If you are unpartnered, have sexual check-ins with yourself and your body regularly; you can keep a journal where you create sex goals for yourself + your pleasure, or simply report on things that are/aren’t working for you sexually over time.
Explore new techniques and add variety - Our bodies change and grow. As a woman, it feels like I am constantly battling my body for control and striving for a baseline of existence— let alone pleasure. Equilibrium is illusive as hell. Speaking from experience, after masturbating for many years, even our own techniques can get tired. The monotony of motion you experience yourself or have with a partner can turn into a sexual plateau. Meaning that your usual methods to ‘guarantee’ orgasm/pleasure in a solo self-love session or with your partner(s) can lose their sensational affect over time. Sensation will likely vary from partner to partner, so don’t become beholden to any one method of getting yourself off—this can and likely WILL change. Accommodate change by adding variety of sensation to your sexual regimen; play with sensory deprivation(sight-blindfolding), rope play(touch), audioporn(hearing), massage oil candles(smell+touch), food play(taste) just to name of few. And lucky you, all of this can be done alone or partnered!